“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do. Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”  ― Carl Gustav Jung.

The shadow is one of the most interesting component of Carl Jung’s theory and an important proponent towards my journey of self-realisation and understanding.

February 2019, was an especially tough period for me. I did badly for my exam and on that day, I broke up with my then-girlfriend. Blind sighted by emotions, I failed to look within and reflect. During those 4 months that I have been with her, self-centered that I am, I held onto the belief that I have placed more effort than her in the relationship while I expected tangible reciprocations or gifts from her. Did I give too much, and at the expense not receiving enough from her tangibly that ruined the relationship? Maybe. Did she lacked effort in the relationship? Perhaps. But then again, it is easy to place the blame on another for the cause of everything that went wrong. Can I ever say that I did nothing wrong? No. Contrary, I did more wrong than her. Only a month later, do I realize my transgression. By escaping from my shadow, I was projecting it on her. She became the strawman of my criticisms. I was too critical of everything, because of my internal self-hatred towards myself. I was the instigator and the problem in the relationship. Calling her a hypocrite, a paradox, when in fact I am the one calling the kettle black.

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own souls.” 
― Carl Gustav Jung

According to Riso-Hudson Enneagram theory, I’m a type 3 (The Achiever) with a wing 4. This personality type is a paradox itself. Self-assured, confident but easily depressed? Ego is just a front to hide the insecurity inside.

An excerpt from http://www.enneagramokc.com/the-basics/the-heart-or-feeling-center/#triad :

” The Three is the most disconnected from the Heart Center and both over- and under-expresses the energy. They experience the loss of connection with the Heart as a verdict that their true nature is valueless. There’s a sense of being empty on the inside and so Ego constructs a house of cards to cover up this perceived lack of value—from the world and themselves. They over-express the Heart energy in a projection of a valuable self to the external world, and they under-express by compartmentalizing their emotional life so that they can get on with “becoming” this more valuable self. They do experience their emotions, they are indeed very sensitive people for the most part. But they don’t allow their emotions to get in the way of their performance. This causes the Three to avoid looking within, and depending on the Level of Health, Threes also avoid getting too close in relationships because they don’t want anyone else looking in there, either. “

This is who I am. Terrified of failure, terrified of myself not reaching my fullest potential. To lead a redundant life, among the masses. Unwilling to confront my shadow, I ran away from realizing myself. I see relationships as transactional, I only approach people who I deemed as valuable, for gain, because I find myself of little value.

As I gaze into the eyes of my then girlfriend, J, I see myself in her. I hated myself, I hated my past. Fantasy is not reality. Weakness is not strength. No one is kind. The world is harsh and if everyone is selfish, I must at least make myself get ahead. In the world where everyone’s leading by egoism, I must be the biggest egoist of them all. Study the social sciences to exploit, to use every means possible to get ahead, to attain my goals. Life is a game. The only way to do well is to learn it’s rules and find loopholes.

But within, truly do I understand how hard is it for emotionally sensitive people to live in this world. Behind my facade, I am a sensitive individual. Being emotional doesn’t help especially as a guy, I learnt that in my early years. I hate it. I was bullied. I had low self-esteem. I didn’t think I will go far with who I am, being sensitive and weak. I resort to getting a script and relied on drugs. I was high in neuroticism, artificially I made it low through antidepressants. Lack motivation? Stimulant’s the answer. In every scenario, be it in personal or in work relations, the less one is emotionally invested, the more authority he holds. Ain’t that sad?But’s it’s okay, as long as I attain my goals and am conventionally successful is all that it matters, according to societal definition of what successful even means.

My friend told me that I frequently like to stand on the moral high ground against others. Because of the regret and self-hatred I have for myself, i project and impose it on others, failing to place the same judgement to myself.

Been hazed by the reality of life, during my relationship with her, I thought that I have something to teach her, to develop her to be a more rational, grounded person. Those ideals that she have, I pointed her contradictions. I complained, I criticised. I thought that I was doing her a favour, to teach her, to ground her. There exists no fantasies, tangible reality is all it matters. Question everything, everyone. During the time we broke up, she said that I tore down everything that she hold, her values. I believed that a good relationship is where we criticised each other to grow. But what I did was perhaps wrong and what I did could be akin to abuse.

The only thing I could do is to perhaps say sorry.

Sorry, J. For hurting you.